I was talking to my friend Rory. It seems he was going through his mum’s yearbook and my mum was there. He asked and his mum told him some things about my mum and dad. She said that she never really hung out with them because they were part of the heavy party-ers. Not the popular ones, they were into the “drug scene”. (as I remind myself it is the 70’s and drugs are abundant... he said she said... the more hardcore drugs...) Rory told me not to worry about it too much because quote “it was his mum saying this”.

He also said something about reading my dad’s saying or whatever in the yearbook, which is weird because I don’t think my mum/dad graduated in the same year and he definitely saw my mum in there. He said my dad’s saying was “Oh noes!” He said it gave him goose bumps when he read it because apparently this is one of my phrases. I told him I most certainly do not use that. But later when the conversation had changed I was talking about something or other and I said it. He pointed it out and was all digging about his point. I was none too happy to say the least.

I wonder if my mother hates me because I remind her of my father. I wonder how much I’m like him. I wonder how much of that is just in my head.

Heidi has been calling me a lot lately and freaking out about my father. It’s pissing me off. I need to be more assertive and tell her to mind her own business. I’m not very assertive; I have been realizing this lately. I don’t have the presence I once did. I’m not scary. Damn. Where did that shit go? A thought came to me while I was on the bus yesterday. I wanted to write about that all on itself. Crap… it was one beautiful line to wrap it up. It was something like “ I try too hard to make everyone happy.”

I really hate myself right now. REALLY BAD.