Saturday, May 30, 2009

1. If you were famous what would you be famous for? most four-leaf-clovers in one collection
2. If you had a chance to meet one person from history who would it be and why? myself when i was little, i want to know what kind of mouth i really had.
3. Where would you go for your ideal vacation?tyhis place i went as a kid.. it was a really small lake/ big pond, and it was full of tadpoles, i bet i will never see that again in my life
4. Tea or Coffee? tea, lots of it, herbal tea
5. What was the last book you read?i forget.. but i am reading Starcrafts Queen of blades
6. Could you live without a microwave?yes, but i wouldnt eat as much
7. Do you have a pet? If so what kind? Currently. no, i killed the fish and will get another when i get a steady home
8. Do you like coconut?shredded and dryed yes... fresh not so much so
9. What is the strangest thing you have ate? grasshoppers.. squid legs.. plant ovaries
10. Have you travelled outside of your own country? only once or twice
11. What is your favorite flavour of gum? easy, watermellon <3
12. How about your favorite ice cream flavour? well thats harder... ummm... there was this tripple chocolate one i partook in the other day, i found it stimulating.
13. Do you think duct tape is a gift from the gods? on occation i do feel the need to thank them, for ductape has saved me before
14. Have you watched Bleach? If so do you like it? yes but not enough.. and.. so far it pleasures me
15. Do you watch Youtube? is there someone who doesnt use it?
16. Day or night person? All times, depending what i need to get done, i will sleep whenever.
17. What is your favorite pizza topping? uh, bacon
18. Ever ride a horse? why yes, and i dont suggest it
19. How about visit the ocean?yes, and i do suggest it
20. Do you like sudoku squares? yes, they take me a while but i always finish

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Here's a story for you:

An old Cherokee chief is teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."

"One is evil — he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego."

"The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

"This same fight is going on inside you — and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."

Sunday, February 1, 2009


My mother called me again about my father stalking her. I'm getting so sick of this shit. Why can't they leave each other alone? What is their problem?

This time she said it. She said "it has been twenty years and he was finally out of our lives and now this. Its your fault, you brought him back into our lives." MY FAULT?!!? SHE is the one who contacted his mom looking for the money he supposedly put into a bank account i KNEW wouldn't be there. She started all this and now blames it on me. I HATE THIS. She always pulls this. Its always my fault.

GOD I cannot take this anymore. I swear if this keeps up I am going to kill them. She asked me today how I would feel if he died. I wouldn't feel anything. I never feel those sorts of things. She seemed very smug, what she fails to realise is that i wouldn't feel much for her passing or any other family member save my two closest siblings. As far as I'm concerned they are my only family, they love me no matter what. Unlike all the others who are in it for the family politics.

Its not my fault I want to know what he's like. That I want to see it with my eyes. Whatever he is it is still part of me. It is IN me to. I can't help but think that that's why she hates me so much. I don't expect love or affection or even friendship from him. I want to know what he is. What kind of evil. There are times, when I think things, that I could do that are wrong. I don't because friends showed me that is not the right way to think. Did I think those things because she hates me or because I am like him?????? I need to know. I NEED it so badly. I fear him, but I need this so badly.

I feel that I am at an impasse. Either I leave this valley, my home. Or I make sure he leaves so my paranoid mother leaves my heart be. Instead of this incessant clawing with her filthy nails. It pains me to know that he most likely is hunting her, hurting her. I hate her as I hate him, but she is still my mother.

Monday, January 19, 2009


Aaron is gone back to his place. I got off of class early. I have a little homework I need to do for this week. 300 word essay on the history of forestry. (how many pages is that?) I am procrastinating and read some funny excerpts from The Coffee Mate. One of them was a listing of disaterous things you will learn by having boys. At the end it said "80% of women will read this and send it to their friends, 80% of men will read this and try to mix break fliud and Clorox." One of the things on the list was that if you mix break fluid and Clorox it will make a lot of smoke. And damn, THAT was the first thing I thought of doing when I read it. Some things have a constant. I guess deep down some things about me are unaffected by the exterior, I can pretent to be different but its still the basic me under. Made me smile.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I was talking to my friend Rory. It seems he was going through his mum’s yearbook and my mum was there. He asked and his mum told him some things about my mum and dad. She said that she never really hung out with them because they were part of the heavy party-ers. Not the popular ones, they were into the “drug scene”. (as I remind myself it is the 70’s and drugs are abundant... he said she said... the more hardcore drugs...) Rory told me not to worry about it too much because quote “it was his mum saying this”.

He also said something about reading my dad’s saying or whatever in the yearbook, which is weird because I don’t think my mum/dad graduated in the same year and he definitely saw my mum in there. He said my dad’s saying was “Oh noes!” He said it gave him goose bumps when he read it because apparently this is one of my phrases. I told him I most certainly do not use that. But later when the conversation had changed I was talking about something or other and I said it. He pointed it out and was all digging about his point. I was none too happy to say the least.

I wonder if my mother hates me because I remind her of my father. I wonder how much I’m like him. I wonder how much of that is just in my head.

Heidi has been calling me a lot lately and freaking out about my father. It’s pissing me off. I need to be more assertive and tell her to mind her own business. I’m not very assertive; I have been realizing this lately. I don’t have the presence I once did. I’m not scary. Damn. Where did that shit go? A thought came to me while I was on the bus yesterday. I wanted to write about that all on itself. Crap… it was one beautiful line to wrap it up. It was something like “ I try too hard to make everyone happy.”

I really hate myself right now. REALLY BAD.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


I'm not terribly sure what to write here. I was going to post about a dream I had before journalspace died. I wrote like about a third of it down.. maybe less than that. I guess I'll post that.....

Well it appears I waited to long to get this all written down. >_> Journalspace on the fritz just when I decide to give myself some free time… who would have guessed?

I have been fiddling around with my course schedule and I think I finally have t all in order (I hope I picked a section with my friends in it!!) I has taken me about an hour which actually makes me feel pretty good. I expected this to be an allll day event.

I had a dream last night about a house. It was like, I was either immortal or just very long lived. Basically some way or anther I would keep getting back to this house and see it at different times of its life. The thing is tho.. it was like an evil house. There were so many bad things that had happened there it was just destined to be evil and horrid. The first scene im there its present time and it is owned by my friend Corbie’s grandma. She is showing everyone around, its like a class of people like a field trip or one of thse museum groups. Like it is a huge mansion and she has filled every room and hallway with something intricate and different. Examples: a room full of dolls, another with teddies, one with paintings, another with blue blown glass and bottles. Every room has something it dedicates itself to.

Somewhere along the lines I start to feel really ill. Just sort of a weak feeling in my arms, like when you work out to much and you haven’t eaten. Or when your shielding for a long time. I still smiled and tried to keep up with everyone else. At some point I noticed my uncles were there, two of them, And my mother. I don’t know why they are there. I lost my friend Corbie quite some time ago but I don’t really want to move over to my family because of old issues. So I keep moving, avoid them, but also watch them.

We are going through a large greek styleised hallway. Exept it’s a dark blue with pearl highlights in pink and green. It looked almost metallic. Sort of like galena. I looked over to my uncle Pete, we made eye contact. His face was so hurt and forlorn, I thought he was goiong to cry. I smiles at him, and he attepted the same then looked down to the ground. We rounded a corner and proceeded down some stairs. This is when my othr uncle, Ryner, comes along all smiles and cheery and picks me up onto his sholders like he used to do when we were kids. I turn to Pete again and he can barly look at the two of us. My mother is just sort of “there”.

I cant remember what happends next. But my uncles were there because they had to tell me something I didn’t want to hear. Something they were going to do, that I didn’t want them to. But I wasn’t going to get a chose in the matter. They were just telling me it was going to happen out of “curtessy”. I wish I remembered what it was, I remember how much it hurt to hear them talk that way to me. I left the group and went ran to one of the bathrooms apologizing to people but saying I was very sick. I didn’t want to cry in fromt of them. My uncle Ryner tried to talk me into coming out, but I didn’t want to talk to him after what he had said. He’s the one who had said it. He tried to tell me it was the right thing to do. I just cryed and cryed pooring out my pain into that little room. I screamed he was a lier and wouldn’t believe him. He said it was the only right way.

Eventually he left and it was quiet. I came out and went to find people. I found Corbie’s grandmother and her husband in the front entrance. Everyone had either left or was having goodies in one of the kitccen dinning areas thingies. Corbie’s grandmother was telling me how bad it was that I misses all the wonderful things, especially what she had down in the basement. I looked down the hall to a door that led there. It make me feel, well apprehention, and relief I had not gone there. In the back of my mind I could make out a very blue room. It was a cheery blue, but it felt odd still.

*several days pass in my writing this*
One of the next scenes is a switch in time. It’s the same house. Its into the future now. I havnt aged, I’m back there with a different friend. I remember something happened. A fight with a new neighbor or something. He shot the “man of the house figure”, I think he was my friends uncle. I was watching this from a window with my friend. I was really interested… So I wasn’t actually looking she was just telling me how they were fighting. Then I heard the shots. Some of the women were out there and they came screaming inside.. an aunt or two and her mother. Her grandmother and a bunch of kids were in the house. I looked out the window and watched his red 4x4 pickup truck drive away.

Me and my friend went up to the attic.. her grandmother told us to go do something and stay out of the way. “the women would deal with it”. I was looking out the attic window and I saw the truck come back.. I could hear the panic in the voices downstairs. They were all scrabling. Her grandmother told us to hide. From the window I understood why. The neighbor had come back, and he had brought two boys with him. I assume they were his sons. They were both only like 10-12 but they both had guns. One had longer blond hair and the other had shorter brown hair.