indecision

My mother called me again about my father stalking her. I'm getting so sick of this shit. Why can't they leave each other alone? What is their problem?

This time she said it. She said "it has been twenty years and he was finally out of our lives and now this. Its your fault, you brought him back into our lives." MY FAULT?!!? SHE is the one who contacted his mom looking for the money he supposedly put into a bank account i KNEW wouldn't be there. She started all this and now blames it on me. I HATE THIS. She always pulls this. Its always my fault.

GOD I cannot take this anymore. I swear if this keeps up I am going to kill them. She asked me today how I would feel if he died. I wouldn't feel anything. I never feel those sorts of things. She seemed very smug, what she fails to realise is that i wouldn't feel much for her passing or any other family member save my two closest siblings. As far as I'm concerned they are my only family, they love me no matter what. Unlike all the others who are in it for the family politics.

Its not my fault I want to know what he's like. That I want to see it with my eyes. Whatever he is it is still part of me. It is IN me to. I can't help but think that that's why she hates me so much. I don't expect love or affection or even friendship from him. I want to know what he is. What kind of evil. There are times, when I think things, that I could do that are wrong. I don't because friends showed me that is not the right way to think. Did I think those things because she hates me or because I am like him?????? I need to know. I NEED it so badly. I fear him, but I need this so badly.

I feel that I am at an impasse. Either I leave this valley, my home. Or I make sure he leaves so my paranoid mother leaves my heart be. Instead of this incessant clawing with her filthy nails. It pains me to know that he most likely is hunting her, hurting her. I hate her as I hate him, but she is still my mother.